Jacquelyn & Peter at the 15th HSP Gathering Retreat, Phoenicia , New York, Menla Mountain Retreat Center,
October 2008
Many of you probably know Peter Messerschmidt, from one of many ways: his HSP blogs are the oldest “out there;” he has originated on-line forums for HSPs, including two HSP Meet Ups, one in Seattle and one in Port Townsend, Washington. He describes himself as: a “patchwork economist,” a writer, web marketer, rare postage stamp dealer, beach comber, business consultant, “solopreneur” coach, psychodemographic trend observer, cereal box psychologist, eBay “junque” trader, event organizer and a student of– and commentator on– the human condition. Special interests include the psychology of marketing and economics, adult giftedness, personality typing, Highly Sensitive People, human relationships, the enneagram, self-actualization, nature, photography, reading, writing, as well as assorted general weirdness. He, along with his wife, Sarah Nash, are involved with White Light Express, a cooperative of healers and teachers, many of whom are HSPs.
And, if you are not familiar with Peter and his extensive collection of Essays on Highly Sensitive People, I highly recommend browsing through the following sites :
http://www.northbeachtreasures.com
http://www.alchemystone.com (I just ordered my first Alchemy stone – It is beautiful !!)
Here is one of his latest articles:
Why Being Highly Sensitive Matters, by Peter Messerschmidt
http://denmarkguy.hubpages.com/hub/Why-being-highly-sensitive-matters
…I believe it is so important for all HSPs to participate in the process of educating and spreading the word about high sensitivity as a trait…” ~ Peter Messerschmidt
I couldn’t agree more Peter Messerschmidt … I am often saddened at the number of HSPs who take time off work to attend a HSP Gathering Retreat; have life changing and transformative experiences, and yet “lie” to their co-workers about where they have actually been.. Many report not “feeling safe” to tell the truth .. and others don’t want to “come out of the closet” so to speak. I realize it is a process to learn to accept one’s HSP trait … and, along with you, it is my sincere hope that we HSPs will continue to find a way to express this trait in a positive, life affirming way. Thanks for another great article Peter.
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And finally, for those of you who may still be wondering exactly what it might be like to attend a HSP Gathering Retreat , I am sharing this (highly) edited perspective from Peter about his very first HSP Gathering Retreat experience back the 4th HSP Gathering Retreat in June 2003 at Walker Creek Ranch, near Tomales Bay, California, about 60 miles NW of San Francisco. Even though it’s dated, I think it is still quite relevant. And besides, I love reading it again and again.
Since 2003, Peter has attended several more HSP Gatherings, has been a co-host and presenter as well. Thanks Peter for all you do…. and have done for the HSP community over the last 12 years !
My First HSP Gathering Retreat Experience, June 2003, by Peter Messerschmidt
For the full version, go here:
http://innerreflections.homestead.com/hsp03ca1.html
Summer at Walker Creek Ranch, June 2003
In June 2003, I went to my first “HSP Gathering,”at Walker Creek Ranch, north of San Francisco, California.
These pages represent an attempt— no more– at capturing and chronicling both the feelings, and the events, of my journey to spend time with a group of fellow HSPs. What I share here is purely my own reflections on the experience– the people I met there may have taken something entirely different home with them. However, this “journal” is both for them, as well as for the many HSPs I have corresponded with over the years– people who have wanted to go to a Gathering, but couldn’t; people who have just been curious, and people who are new to the HSP concept and eager to learn– people who have wondered: “What is it like, to be with a group of just HSPs? How does it feel, when you’re not ‘the odd one?'”
Wednesday, June 11th, late, I should be in bed…
Sometimes I get into “Little Pessimist” mode– I am sitting here, reminding myself that I have gone to any number of workshops and seminars, and I have– at best— come away with a “decent” feeling about the event. Let’s face it, I have no issues with “groups” (although I’m an introvert, but that’s a whole different story), it’s just that I never really seem to “connect” with people at these things– and then I end up going home with a feeling of disappointment. That’s OK if you only went for educational reasons, but not when you were hoping to connect.
I am definitely going to the Gathering more because I want to “experience” other HSPs, than for the workshops and lectures. A part of me is very open to the idea that I might be on the same wavelength as some of the HSPs, but my “insecure parts” also have this fear that I might just end up being too “weird,” or too “culturally different,” or “too quiet” so I’ll end up sitting in a corner. Intellectually, I realize this is nonsense-talk, but the voices keep whispering to me about past discomfort at group events…. I tell them to go to sleep.
Day One: Thursday June 12th, and it has been a loooong day….
I am an HSP and a profound introvert— the kind of person you can only drag to a “group event” under protest, and who then wants to leave after 45 minutes, citing a budding tension headache and a severe case of overstimulation. Yet, there I was, about to voluntarily fly halfway across the country to spend four days with a group of 30-odd complete strangers.
I have met HSPs before. Well… sort of. The truth is that I have “met” 100’s– in cyberspace. I supposed I have met a good number of “likely suspects,” face to face but not explored it further. But I have only met two people, previously, who have positively “self-identified” as HSPs. (Note: Since this time Peter has met scores of HSPs in person as he is organizer of two HSP Meet Ups: one in Seattle, WA and one in Port Townsend, Washington.)
Bridge to Turtle Pond
Walking to Turtle Pond, Walker Creek Ranch
Not long after I get settled, a group of the early arrivals set off on a nature walk to Turtle Pond— a small lake about 1/2 mile from the Ranch complex. As we walk along, quiet conversations start up, as people relax. Some folks have met before; old friendships are renewed. I meet a couple of people I know from online HSP communities– and suddenly people I have only known from email addresses have faces. It’s a heartwarming feeling.
I have my first of many “aha moments,” as it strikes me that everybody speaks softly and has a quiet “presence;” there are no loud voices. The walk is relaxing, and a lovely HSP way to “decompress” after a long journey. The coolness of the California air is a welcome change from the oppressive heat of Texas.
We come from all walks of life. About 80% of us are introverts and 20% extraverts; about 75% women, 25% men. Some have known they were HSPs since “The Highly Sensitive Person” was published– one person found out she was an HSP only two weeks before the Gathering.
You get to practice this motto at the HSP Gathering Retreats
“During the Gathering, we will focus on needs, not approval,” Jacquelyn Strickland tells us, and then goes on to explain that this means that if we want to get up and stretch, or just walk out, in the middle of a session it’s OK, and we will not be “judged” for doing so.
As we end the evening’s proceedings, Jacquelyn predicts that by the end of the Gathering, we will very likely be talking and behaving like a group of extraverts. Then she moves on to the next point of the evening: Asking everyone to introduce themselves.
At first people look nervously around. It is not easy for a group of predominately introverted HSPs to speak about themselves, especially before a room full of people. However, the initial awkwardness starts to melt away as soon as people realize that– perhaps for the first time in their lives– they are speaking in a completely “HSP safe” environment: an environment in which they don’t have to “fake it,” nor have to “explain and justify” themselves and their sensitivity. So, introductions are said, and personal journeys are shared.
It strikes me that the various life stories have a number of common threads. Most of us are on some kind of “personal journey;” and we have come to the Gathering both for fellowship and in search of ways to become more “functional” in the world while remaining true to ourselves
The lives of HSPs are both similar and different, but it strikes me that the various life stories have a number of common threads. Most of us are on some kind of “personal journey;” and we have come to the Gathering both for fellowship and in search of ways to become more “functional” in the world while remaining true to ourselves. As more people speak, I feel a subtle shift in the atmosphere of the room, as a realization sets in: It really is safe to speak our minds, authentically within our feelings, without the usual “odd looks” and words of “get over yourself!” so many of us have grown used to, as a part of our lives.
As people grow more comfortable and find their voices, the stories grow more personal– and very familiar to most present. Stories of “losing one’s identity” to societal pressures and expectations. Stories of lives half-lived, while “not fitting in.” Stories of feeling marginalized and invalidated; of feeling misunderstood, even by loved ones. And stories of feeling unable to cope– in the words of one person: “I have made a career out of coping with life.” Another speaks of not being heard, simply because not being loud: “People speak louder and faster and overwhelm my voice– so I am not heard.”
Among most, there is a common curiosity: “I just wanted to see what it was like to be with a group of HSPs.” And in the course of this first evening, we learn a couple of things that will set the one for the rest of our time together: HSPs are not particularly “timely,” and there just not going to be enough time to do everything. We have already spent so much time on introductions
We have already spent so much time on introductions that Jacquelyn is having to rearrange Friday’s schedule of “Breakout Sessions.” There is much to be said, when you have never had a forum in which to share. As we end the evening’s proceedings, Jacquelyn predicts that by the end of the Gathering, we will very likely be talking and behaving like a group of extraverts.
Day Two: It’s Friday the 13th, and it’s going to be a good day….
By Friday breakfast, it seems like most of us have largely worked through any “interactive awkwardness” we might previously have felt in group settings.
Talking, among this group of HSPs (who are mostly introverts, let’s not forget), is almost effortless. In more than a few people I intuit a vague sense of ongoing disbelief, many open smiles with an undercurrent of “Is this for real?”
I have no way of knowing what kinds of expectations people have brought with them, but I sense that most hopes of having a chance to “feel authentic” are being thoroughly met.
And so the “work” begins, in earnest, on Friday morning as we start on a series of “Breakout Sessions” (basically workshops) on a variety of topics. Although these sessions are optional, it seems that everybody– or almost everybody– wants to be there. And Jacquelyn is right– the introverts are slowly becoming “extraverts” of a sort.
I really thought I had developed a “thick protective shell” against the world. And I thought other HSPs have would, too– and that we would have great difficulty letting our guards down. Instead I find that we are surprisingly “in touch” with ourselves– in a matter of less than a day, many the “shields” we put up to protect ourselves against insensitivity, getting overwhelmed, and a lack of understanding seem to be coming down.
By the end of the “Relationships” session, my brain is overloaded with information, and I realize that I need to take a break and have some “recharge time.” First, I spend an hour writing in my journal, “emptying” the contents of my brain onto the pages– this ability is perhaps one of the reasons I find writing to be so cathartic.
Once done with my writing, I have over two hours left till dinner– so I wander around among the buildings of the ranch, just letting my feet take me wherever they want to.
And then something extraordinary happens– where my usual reaction to overstimulation (as I have experienced these past six hours) is to seek solitude, I find that I am walking around looking for other HSPs to be with. In retrospect, I realize that this completely flies in the face of the notion that only extraverts “gain energy” from people– I have discovered that I am actually energized by this particular group of people!
As I wander around, I do find other HSPs not “in session,” and they seem equally eager to talk. It is almost as if we are trying to “soak up” the mere experience of being “among our own kind.” Somewhere deep inside, I also realize that I would have a lot more friends if “people” were like the many gentle spirits who surround me here.
We talk– about this and that– until dinner. Here I realize something else: Everybody spends time with everybody else– it’s not “the same people together” at each meal. Unlike meetings and conventions I have been to in the past, it appears that there are no “cliques” forming here.
A small group of the last few people at the workroom go on a spur-of-the-moment “moonlight walk.” And is the moon ever cooperating! We enjoy a walk on a perfectly clear night with bright full moonlight; not only is it beautiful out, but we also feel a growing sense of fellowship and bonding with each other.
At the end of the day, there is still much to be said– normally quiet HSPs sit and talk in the common areas, doing their best to honor the request to keep the lodges “quiet zones,” but not really succeeding– and not really wanting to say goodnight to our growing camaraderie.
Although it has been a long day, a few of us remain up late, on the Buckeye Lodge common room– talking (what we think to be) quietly, until Jacquelyn reminds us that the lodging areas are designated “HSP quiet” zones and some HSPs are trying to sleep.
It’s Saturday the 14th, and I could get really used to this….
On Saturday morning, Elaine Aron gives her “keynote address,” under the heading “From Feeling One Down to Being an Equal: Healing HSPs so They Can Heal the World.” The group has now grown to about 30 people, with the addition of some “Day Commuters” who have driven in from nearby communities.
Elaine strikes me as an excellent example of the “Actualized HSP:” a powerful presence– yet also a soft spoken introvert with a very well defined sense of “taking care of her HSP-ness.” She is with us only for this one morning session, and has not otherwise been participating at the Gathering.
Although Saturday is a busy day, and I have to be careful not to go back into “overload mode,” it is also a day to make more “connections” with the other HSPs at the Gathering. Conversations and interactions are “easy,” now that we all seem to have grown used to the idea that we’re in an HSP-safe environment. Around me,
I sense friendships being made, and there is growing sense of “belonging,” an experience many have never had before.
Saturday evening brings a nice change of pace, as musician and fellow HSP Nick Rodin— also one of the Gathering participants– gives a wonderful solo guitar concert, playing a mixture of classical and more modern music, along with a few of his own songs. It is a perfect way to wind down another long day.
It’s Sunday June 15th, and I’m not ready for this to end, yet….
I have mixed feelings as I wake up.
Over the past few days I have gotten to feel more “centered” than I have in years, and more “connected” with members of the human race than I ever have.
We meet, for one final time, for the last official “session” of the Gathering: “Our Time Together: What You Are Taking With You”
All the sessions, this one has the most unusual atmosphere– a mixture of joy and sadness. People seem almost reluctant to speak– and when they do, it is often haltingly. One person tearfully talks about “reciprocity,” and about how she has spent years and years giving and never getting anything back– and now she’s suddenly among people who all give back, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I fumble around for something meaningful to say, but fall painfully short. As the session comes to a close, there is little doubt that the Gathering has been a life- altering experience for many people.
Postscript: Of Friendships, Connecting, Validation and why HSPs must Gather
I am home again, now, and back in my daily routine. As I look back on my four days in California, a bunch of different words come to mind, but they seem hopelessly inadequate. In shamanic practice, altered states are often referred to as “non-ordinary reality”– and in a way that’s close to how I would characterize what I experienced, except the physical body I inhabit in “ordinary reality” actually went along for the ride.
I have nothing but positive feelings about the Gathering, except maybe that “it was over too soon.”
As for descriptors, the word “resonance” comes to mind. And “reciprocity.” And kinship, and fellowship. Acceptance. Safety. Openness. Authenticity.
As I left Walker Creek Ranch, I felt a mixture of sadness, awe and joy. Sadness, at the fact that I got to live 43 years before having the opportunity to experience true connectedness in a completely supportive and safe group setting; awe and joy at the fact that the previously impossible actually did happen. Not just I, but so many of the other participants seemed to share similar feelings. It was, indeed, as if we suddenly found “our tribe,” in a world where we’d maybe become resigned to the idea that we would almost always be regarded as “the odd ones.”
I have been to many seminars and retreats, but never… never… have I experienced 20-30 people spending four days together with barely a raised voice, without arguments, without power struggles, without “cliques” forming, without a stream of discomfort and hurt feelings, without “awkward” group dynamics.
Instead, I found nothing but kindness and compassion. In place of feeling “odd” and “alienated,” we felt ourselves reflected back in the faces of everyone around us. Thus, the “shields” we all have grown so accustomed to wearing, as protection against our less sensitive surroundings, just melted away. And underneath, a group of profoundly powerful and compassionate human beings emerged; the very best of our human species.
This was– no exceptions– the most “inclusive” group experience I have ever had. HSPs are not like other people– and it shows in a number of subtle ways. At the Gathering, there were no “cliques” or “segregated groups.” It felt like everybody pretty much talked to everybody else, at one time or another. This was especially obvious at mealtimes, in that the same people rarely sat at the same table twice. There also was no sense (“segregation” or “competition”) that there were “rookie” and “old-timer” HSPs. Everybody just “was.”
For most (even repeat participants) the end of the Gathering really marked a “beginning;” of new friendships, of newfound self-worth, of new lessons to be applied, of a new way of viewing Sensitivity. Above all, the Gathering gave me a “stillness of mind” I had not experienced before.
HSPs must “Gather” with other HSPs! Listening to the numerous stories of fellow HSPs feeling alienated and marginalized by their surroundings made me realize the enormous value and importance of HSPs putting in the time and effort to find– and spend time with– other HSPs, just to have the experience of feeling “connected” to other people in a group setting. We are not alone, and it is important to experience this, for ourselves.
I am very happy that I went, in spite of being utterly broke– and look forward to a return visit next year. Thank you for reading my journal, and I hope to see you there!
Note: This was Peter’s first HSP Gathering Retreat, and he has attended several more since 2003, acting as my co-host at several, and presenting at the 2009 HSP Gathering Retreat in Estes Park, Colorado. Thank you Peter for your presence, your friendship, and all you have done, and are doing for the HSP community !
To read about his 2007 HSP Gathering Retreat, you can go here: http://innerreflections.homestead.com/hsp07ca1.html